I’ve said it. And even it you haven’t said it to your son, he’s probably picking up on it. Boys and men are not supposed to cry.
Granted, when I’ve said it, it’s usually over something like an extra scoop of ice cream or a bonked head that he’s crying, so I rationalize my words, saying “don’t cry.” But no matter what it’s over, I do find myself cringing a little when he does. And deep down if I take a hard look, I don’t want him to be weak.
I recently ran across the blog Remaking Manhood, and the author, Mark Greene says in his video, “It is through our expressions of emotions that we connect in relationship to others. In fact, emotions are born in those relational spaces between people. So if we tell our children, don’t express emotions, what we are basically doing is limiting their capacity to form relationships. ”
Humans are social creatures. We need our tribe to survive, and we need relationships to feel value and connection. So am I basically making him weak by limiting his capacity to form relationships? Isolation can be deadly.
Remaking Manhood goes on to say that American men over the age of 45 are chronically lonely. Male suicides also outnumber women three to one, and they say it is because men don’t have a robust network of authentic relationships.
Researchers and even mainstream media understand the importance of emotional intelligence and being vulnerable. Brene Brown’s 2010 TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability has just under 31.5 million views as of this posting. Disney Pixar’s Inside Out made 857.6 million at the box office alone.
A person who is authentic, someone who can stand up strong and face difficult situations one day, but then next day, he or she can be sympathetic, understanding and vulnerable is someone who can lead and make an impact.
3 thoughts on “Boys Don’t Cry and Girls Really Shouldn’t Either”
Hiw does crying make a man weak? I think the opposite is the problem. The men killing themselves could well be emotionally repressed and unable to talk about their pain until it’s too late. I don’t think encouraging men not to cry is the answer.
I agree with you completely. Repressing emotions and encouraging men (and women for that matter) to be stoic with no sign of weakness is a dangerous and unachievable goal. These two authors mentioned in my post speak of strength in surrendering and being vulnerable.
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Exactly! I think crying is a sign of strength. As is being able to be open with your feelings. Repression of feelings will never end well. It probably explains a lot of male suicides rather than ‘weakness’ if men want to build supportive social structures through friendship rather than just depending on their wife or girlfriend they will have to be more open with their feelings in order to do so anyway